I Quit You, Not Me

I couldn’t take it anymore. I was feeling less and less like myself. Everything felt like it was crashing down around me……so I quit.

A few weeks ago, I took my boss out to lunch and I told her I am ready to leave my job. I honestly was thinking about leaving a couple of months prior, but I kept going back and forth with myself if I should really take that next step. I know there are people that can just make decisions and do it out of impulse and there are people that take the longest to make a decision because they overthink things. Well I’m basically the person that is more on the latter. But if it is a decision that does not alter my life completely, then I’m like forget wasting time thinking, let’s do it! But since this situation was about quitting my job, I definitely didn’t need to have an “oh shit” moment, so I needed more time to think.

I remember the day that solidified me leaving my job. I was already dreading the drive to the opposite side of the city and to my luck, that very morning I was seconds away from getting hit by a truck who decided to run a stop sign. He swerved the last second, barely missing me, and I had to deal with the aftermath. Yep, full blown panic attack and i had to really pull myself together before I could drive again. Let’s just say it was a perfect morning *insert eye roll*. Later in the day, I was little all over the place mentally and that caused my positivity to decrease more and more. I got to the point where I hated exactly where I was, I hated the people that I worked with, and I never wanted to come back. After I left work, I was in a dark place, a very dark place. I was triggered by past hostile coworker relationships, feelings of not being heard, not being appreciated, feeling alone, and basically pissed the fuck off. I wrote my resignation letter that night. I wanted someone to give me a reason the next time I came back to work, I was ready for it. I wanted to gain my power back from feeling absolutely helpless in my position.

But I’m glad the situation I was ‘ready’ for didn’t happen. I was given more time to regroup. Regrouping myself emotionally was what I needed to be smart about my departure.I needed the two month period to reveal to me that I was making the right decision. I needed to tell myself ‘Kiara, your paycheck is not worth my mental health.’ I know how it feels to be trapped at a job you hate because you value stability. I know how it feels to be trapped at a job because you have convinced yourself that nobody else wants you, so this is the best you are going to get. Hell, I even know how it feels to be at a job that you are so good at, everyone looks to you for answers, and you are running your own show. You have gotten to the point where you have guilted yourself into thinking that if you leave, things are going to fall apart. You feel responsible in making a difference at a job that is honestly draining you. Trust me… I get it.

It is really hard to say I quit. Saying I quit is not a one-stop shop, but a domino effect you have to put into account, truthfully. Although, we must remember that at the end of the line of the dominoes falling after each other, it started with you. You are in control of you and not the other pieces. You must be responsible for you first, before giving yourself into other people or projects. You must be selfish sometimes to balance being selfless. If you are thinking about quitting, whether it is a job, a relationship, a friendship, or even a business, take some time to know what you DON’T want. You don’t need to know what you want at this time, but if you know damn well that your list of ‘dont’s’ is getting longer and longer, then leave.

Saying I quit is about leaving a toxic situation and reaffirming that you will no longer quit on yourself.

Kiara Byrd