I Surrender...

I trust surrender to be a gift and not a curse.

Part of my journey has been finding my way to healing. I was looking for signs in activities or other people, that I will be better soon. I used to rely on if I find that one hobby, that one job, or the right love I can forget about anything that I kept holding on to. But the truth is, the only thing that I have found, among other things that I have incorporated in my new lifestyle, that has been the most impactful, is the act of surrender. I am not going to tell you that surrendering was an easy thing to do. I’m not even going to tell you that I’m even done doing it. Because surrendering is something that you will need to do as many times as necessary whenever you feel you are off track. So, if you are looking for answers about yourself in other things other than the one person that really matters, the answers may never be found. And If you are looking for the person you have lost along the way and you no longer recognize this person in the mirror, you must learn how to surrender to find from within. Surrendering is something that you need to be intentional about and committed to in order to alter everything you want to lose and gain. Surrendering is unlearning and relearning everything you thought hold truth. Surrendering is when you lose control of your life while taking control of your life at the same time. Now, everyone’s surrendering is different, it can mean so many more things than what I am going to talk about. But from my experience, my surrender has taught me three main lessons that I needed in order to take myself to higher levels.

Get Uncomfortable as Hell !!

Whether you are busy in your 9-5, trying to find your next passion, or simply lack interest in anything your life currently offers, you get stuck in a routine. You become familiar with what feels good to you and what you have tolerated. You are now familiar with certain environments, certain people, and have come up with your own personal guidelines without pushing any boundaries. To put in simpler words, you got comfortable. So when you are looking for more to life and choose to surrender, it is going to be one of the most uncomfortable things you are going to experience in your damn life. You can forget about all the rules you have set for yourself, the places you used to depend on for security, and the friends you thought you knew for years. Surrendering is not a self assessment you do to clear your mind and then get back to old habits, but a wake up call. It is instability at its finest. It is a way for you to reintroduce yourself to yourself and to start decluttering. This process is a slow and steady transition for your mind as it cleanses your soul of years and years of whatever it is you have been harboring. And let me tell you, when you do that, it’s a lot of crying and a lot of yelling involved. DEAD SERIOUS. Not to say you are going to be lashing out at people, but you are going to revisit moments in your past that hurt the most, confront scenarios where your heart has been broken, acknowledge people who betrayed you, and blame yourself for choosing to go through this emotional warfare in the first place. You are put in a space to face all the parts of you. You are to challenge yourself that you are stronger than you realize and that all of the pain is what gave it to you. Being faced with the good, the bad, and the in between, of your life’s chapters is to purposely take you out of what you call comfortable and bring a new definition to it.

Unanswered questions make up the majority of all questions

Once you begin to feel how uncomfortable unraveling yourself can be, questions start to arise. You start to have conversations with yourself. You start to question parts of your childhood, your family, how you have reacted to certain situations, who is in your inner circle, your love life choices, why certain things just so happen to keep repeating themselves, what you have declared a ‘survival technique'“, etc. you know, pretty good questions that you deserve answers for. But you will learn that through surrendering, it is not about getting all the answers, it’s about letting go of all the questions. A problem we as people have, is that if we don’t understand something or if it does not have a logical explanation for it, our anxiety takes over and we fear not knowing. If we feel this question threatens our well being in some sort of fashion, we become determined and convince ourselves that hearing a few words, will be the only way for us to continue on with our lives. Well, surrendering is a way to shut all that shit down. Surrendering wants you to know that the unknown should not be something that you fear. You will see that there will be questions that will arise for the rest of your life, and to think that your job is to answer all of them, is doing you more harm than good. While it is important to question things during surrendering, but if the question has an amount of power that is more of a constraint than an opening to new doors, it is no longer a question that deserves an answer. Having unanswered questions is a part of the imbalance. When you get to a point when there is no need to have answers, you can accept the mystery of what life encompasses. You can accept that is no longer your responsibility to understand everything anymore. You can gain understanding of the WHAT, but you may not gain understanding of the WHY. And that is okay. The only answer that really matters is you.

Faith and Commitment

You are the only one here right now. You only have you to depend on and that can be a scary thing. You must commit to the one person you have said has been a disappointment to you. You are to become more aware of who you are and you must have faith in your tomorrow self, while working with your today self, who is still as lost as yesterday self. Day by day you will be reminded of who are going to be and who you used to be. But faith, trust me, is the main factor in this. In order to resurface your purpose and redefine your being, you must believe in the amazingness that already lives within you. You are not striving to find what makes you amazing, but watering what has already been planted. You must have faith that your growth is going to bring a much more meaningful life when it may feel hopeless. You must believe that it is not about you having all the control, but tapping into the God parts of you and connecting them back to the main source. You must let go of all that you have consumed from this world that has suppressed your powerful abilities. You are working towards a bigger version of you. A stronger spiritual connection with yourself that will be unmatched to any other relationship you will build. Why? Because once you have surrendered and you are more in tune with your inner light, others will gravitate towards it. When you discover your light and feel that warmth, you will never want to feel cold again. The act of surrender is something I was not prepared for, but it was a choice I was ready to make. It is easy to get lost in the negative and feel that nothing good will come from our people. It is easy to get wrapped up in living among people who no longer have a bigger picture or a sense of morality. But it is when you choose to not conform, and inspire others to do the same, that will be the best route to take. Will there be times where you will feel like you have failed at surrendering? Yes. Will you still give yourself permission to get back up and succeed at surrendering? Absolutely. And when you get to that day, you will understand that giving up control to gain true control of your essential being, was the best decision you have ever made.

Kiara Byrd